By Ashley Brueske
Interstate 790 was closed going both north and south this morning, and Sgt. Albert Wei of the police department had no idea when it would be open again. Two tractor-trailers crashed at 6:45 a.m., but the police are not done with their investigation yet.
After the crash of the two vehicles, two more tractor-trailers and 14 other cars piled-up on the major road during rush hour. One of the first tractor-trailers was a tanker hauling diesel fuel, however, it did not roll-over, spill any fuel, or catch fire; the truck part was damaged, but the driver managed to stop it along the side of the road, and wasn’t injured.
The incident, however, did cause two deaths of car drivers, and 20 others to be injured. The “Life Flight” helicopter arrived to transport two of the seriously injured to the trauma center in Statesville, 50 miles away. The scene became such a mess that the officers had trouble figuring out what vehicles belonged to what victim and who had been driving the vehicle Wei commented.
All five ambulances from the fire department flew to the scene, along with ambulances from four near-by cities’ fire departments. Firefighters had to cut off the roof of three cars in order to reach the driver and/or passengers. Fire chief Tony Sullivan said he had never seen anything so bad in the 18 and a half years he had been with the department.
Because of the mess, all traffic that would have normally used 790 was diverted to Interstate 690, which caused a three hour traffic back up during rush hour.
(278 words.)
Very well done. I do think however your lead could have been a little better. Maybe you could have changed it up a little to be more eye catching and grab the readers attention. Overall you did a very good job!!
ReplyDeleteThere are just a few grammar comments I would offer, and other than that, you seem have gotten all the facts. There were a few unneeded commas, such as the sentence "One of the first tractor-trailers...and wasn't injured." Also, there seems to be extra unneeded words. Like instead of saying "all traffic that would have normally used 790," you could simply say "all normal 790 traffic" or something like that, and I think the reader would be able to figure it out.
ReplyDeleteI think that the lead could have used a little more punch to draw the reader in. Otherwise than that it looks like you have all of the facts included. Myself, I would have rearranged them a bit. If I ever do get hurt I hope those flying ambulances come to get me. I have a problem with this, too - personification of objects.
ReplyDeleteGreat picture Ashley! I think you did a great job, this was so flowing and easy to read. I do agree that the lead could use a little more pizazz. Over all, this is the story I have read and thought I could have been reading it right out of the newspaper.
ReplyDeleteI think the picture was a nice touch, it helped me imagine the accident as it might have actually looked. I do think your lead could have been a little more interesting, but overall good job.
ReplyDeleteI think that your lead didn't include some of the most important facts about the story. You had a lot of details about the pile-up, but some of your story didn't seem to "flow" for me,as the reader. Adding in the comments was good!
ReplyDeleteI have to say that you did a good job! Some of the body was too jumbled but still very nicely to the point! I would prefer you to try to use one of the styles from the book! I used the inverted Pyramid and it helped a lot! :) but other than that, it's great!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the feedback. I wrote this quickly while at work, so I wasnt sure if I wrote it correctly. I tend to get a little "comma happy" when I write and insert them where ever I want, so I will remember to check that next time! (:
ReplyDeleteI didnt even catch the part about "flying ambulances" I hope they come to get me if Im ever hurt too!
I think the lead could have been a little more eye catching, but other then that very good job. Also good job on keeping the paragraphs pretty short. I think I made mine a little longer then they should have been, but good job overall.
ReplyDeleteAdd a little more fire to your lead. Try to make it grab us readers and not let us go. Otherwise, it was a creative way of writing it!
ReplyDelete